sahwen:

God Knows I Am Dissonance

Summary: 13.21 coda. Jack has a meltdown and Sam is there. 

Pairing: Gen

Word Count: 770

Written for @spnangstbingo

Square Filled: Anxiety Attack

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Jack doesn’t stay to ask how Lucifer got there, doesn’t want to find out what Lucifer has to say to him and doesn’t want to know what Lucifer did to make Sam look so ashamed. Hatred bubbles up in him, bile-sour, and he turns on his heel to escape deeper into the camp. 

Thunder booms overhead and it begins to rain. Jack plunks down at the base of a tree and draws his legs to his chest, hugging himself and willing Lucifer to disappear. Maybe go back to whatever corner of Hell he crawled out of. Tears burn Jack’s eyes and spill hot over his cheeks. Wind rustles the canopy overhead. 

Lucifer hurt his family– Mary and Cas and Dean and especially Sam, Jack knows, Jack can tell. The specifics aren’t there and Jack is okay with not knowing them, but it’s clear Lucifer has created a world of pain, and Jack can’t begin to understand how anyone can care about him, love him, when he’s undeniably connected to someone so evil. 

How can he be good, being spawned from that? 

Jack buries his head in his knees and releases his grief in quiet sobs and the increasing downpour. 

A few minutes go by before the sound of muddy footsteps draws near. 

“Hey, Jack.” 

Jack glances up, hastily wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands; Sam stands a couple yards away, bloody but without any wounds. The rain has wetted the dried blood on his face, washing some of it away. His hair sticks to his skin in dripping strands. He looks sad. 

“Can I sit?” Sam asks. 

Jack nods, and the rain lights up a little as Sam comes closer and settles down heavily in front of him. Jack remembers when they first met– first really met– in that prison cell. It feels like lifetimes have passed. 

“This isn’t how things were supposed to go,” Sam admits. “And I’m sorry.” 

Jack grits his teeth against the emotion surging up in him and fails miserably. More tears well up and he ducks his head so Sam can’t see. 

He thinks of Lucifer facing the rest of his family back in the main clearing. He should be there, he shouldn’t have run away. He feels so helpless, so overcome with anger and fear, that he starts to tremble.

“Hey, hey.” Sam leans forward and brushes Jack’s hair away from his face. “It’s alright. C’mon, look at me.” 

When Jack doesn’t look, Sam tilts Jack’s head up with his fingertips. 

“I won’t let him hurt you.” Sam speaks with a kind of conviction that Jack hadn’t thought possible. 

“I should’ve kept you from him,” Jack protests. “He– he’s hurt you. And I didn’t stop it.” 

“You’re a kid, Jack,” Sam insists. “Nephilim or not, you’re a kid. I don’t expect you to protect me. That’s not your responsibility.” 

Jack thinks it is, because power like his is pointless if he can’t use it to protect loved ones. He’s useless if he can’t save the person who saved him, the one person who believed in him from the beginning. 

“I’m sorry,” Jack whispers. He’s impossibly weak, still shaking, still crying, and he isn’t sure if he’ll ever be able to stop. 

“Jack, it’s okay.” Sam scoots closer and rests his hand on Jack’s knee. It’s a stabilizing kind of pressure. “Breathe.”  

Jack’s lower lip quivers and he can’t tell if more tears are coming or if it’s just the rain. The relief of Sam being alive and the multitude of feelings about Lucifer arriving has sent him for a tailspin, and it’s a struggle to get control back. He unfolds himself and Sam pulls him into his arms.

“You’re okay,” Sam murmurs. “I’ve got you.”

Jack presses his cheek to Sam’s chest, inhaling the scent of pine and dirt and rain and blood. He listens to the reassuring thudthudthud of Sam’s heart, so blessedly alive. Sam is here. Everything is going to be alright because he’s here. 

“Are…” Jack sniffs. “Are you okay?” 

Sam huffs out a bit of a laugh. “Yeah,” he says. Jack thinks it’s a lie. “Well, I– I will be.” 

Jack nods and allows himself to be comforted, taking deep breaths as Sam instructs him to. 

“You know he’s not my father,” he says, slightly muffled from the fabric of Sam’s jacket. 

“I know.” 

“And you know…” Jack trails off, not sure if it’s something he can speak aloud. “You…” 

“I know that too,” Sam says. Even though Jack hadn’t finished the thought, he has no doubt Sam understands what had been on the tip of his tongue.