when you’re reading fanfiction and you get so involved in the story you start imagining different scenarios in that same universe and then it’s fanfiction fanfiction
Sastiel Love Week: First time… Falling asleep together
(Hey, it’s your anon here. I hope you enjoy this…)
The first time Sam really falls asleep in Castiel’s arms is shortly after Dean dies and becomes a demon. There’s hardly any strength in Castiel’s arms, his grace is running low, but he holds Sam as tightly as he comfortably can.
Cas dozes that same night, there in the Bunker. It’s before Sam busts his arm. Before Castiel ends up laid up in bed, struggling to breathe.
And it’s the safest either of them feels for weeks afterwards. The following day, Castiel hits the road to chase leads going to one side of the country, and Sam heads out to the other.
The two of them don’t sleep again in each other’s arms until months after Dean’s no longer a demon. But Cas is the one who falls asleep in Sam’s arms, and Sam worries about the angel most of the night. Trying to figure out ways to get Castiel’s grace back. He’ll hunt Metatron down and drain him if it’ll fix Cas…
Oooooooh~ my poor damaged boys~! This was beautiful and heartbreaking, and a fabulous kickstart to the week! ^_______________^
It’s important to realize that platonic love can sometimes seem a lot like romantic love.
It can make your heart pound and your stomach flutter. It can make you nervous to act upon it. It can be just as full of meaning and desire as any relationship, and it can be confusing at times, but that’s alright.
If it brings joy, that’s all that matters.
This is super important. Platonic relationships can be extremely moving and very emotional. Some people would literally give anything for some of their friends and that is an amazing part of humanity.
Soo….Once upon a time, months and months ago, in a Discord channel far, far away, there was a discussion of what Sam’s angel name would be. And I determined his name would be Moosiel. And THEN, this silly little Moosiel Plot Bunny jumped in my brain and REFUSED to be quiet until I did something about it. And so, here it is. The Adventures of Moosiel.
The Feckin’ Bean Coffee is used with permission. If you have not already done so, please go and read @talkingtomyselfagain‘s Cadbury!Verse immediately!
“Cease your fussing,” he said softly as Tony buried his head in Loki’s shoulder, “and let us go find you something clean to wear. I am sorry that your mother and friends are gone, but you will be alright, Anthony. We will take care of you.”
Tony gets hit with a permanent de-ageing spell, and the rest of the Avengers (and SHIELD) prove to be less-than-suitable guardians. Thor summons a pardoned Loki and returns from Asgard to pick up the parenting slack, and hopefully to correct the damage that Howard left, while their little family slowly grows along the way.
Soo….Once upon a time, months and months ago, in a Discord channel far, far away, there was a discussion of what Sam’s angel name would be. And I determined his name would be Moosiel. And THEN, this silly little Moosiel Plot Bunny jumped in my brain and REFUSED to be quiet until I did something about it. And so, here it is. The Adventures of Moosiel.
The Feckin’ Bean Coffee is used with permission. If you have not already done so, please go and read @talkingtomyselfagain‘s Cadbury!Verse immediately!
Because having a brother who is devoted to you doesn’t negate the need Sam had for friends and parents who should have been doing what Dean was tasked to do. Of course we know that Dean took care of Sam, and Dean has a hard time, himself, grasping why Sam would have needed Sully
but no matter how much Dean loved Sam, and how well he took care of Sam, that doesn’t mean Sam wasn’t lonely. He and Dean moved around a lot, so it would have been impossible to make any stable friendships and most people need more than just a brother and a consistently absent father in order not to feel lonely.
And Sully wasn’t just someone to take care of him, he was someone who was trying to teach Sam that he could be whatever he wanted to be
and no matter how well Dean was taking care of Sam, I don’t think that was on Dean’s list of things to teach Sam. Because that’s not something Dean was taught himself.
So, Sully served something that Sam was missing, which seems to be the function of the Zanna. The more intriguing question is why did Dean not have one? And the answer, I think, is as devastating as everything is when it comes to Dean. Surely Dean would have benefitted from a stable presence, and some kindness in his life. But Zanna are for children and as we know, Dean was never a child.
What’s messed
up about this though is that while Dean definitely wasn’t treated like a child, and was burdened with the responsibilities of
an adult, he actually was a child
(and the fact that Dean doesn’t see it that way just shows how damaging his
upbringing was). He was a child who had a drill sergeant for a father and the only
other person in his life was a younger brother who was made his charge.
It makes
perfect sense that Sam would need a Zanna, as you explained above. But Dean
needed one too, at least as much as Sam did. Someone who wouldn’t give Dean
orders to follow, someone who wouldn’t need Dean to protect him or take care of
him, someone who’d just be there forDean.
I love the concept
of the Zanna, but I’ll never understand how they could just decide Dean doesn’t
need their help and support.
(I sort of
have this headcanon that Dean did get
a Zanna, only “his” Zanna never left because Dean still needs someone who cares
for him and supports him unconditionally and without any ulterior motives. [And
sometimes I headcanon that Dean’s Zanna is Benny, who was there from the
beginning, and Purgatory only made him manifest physically.])
(And sometimes I also think a Zanna came to Dean and offered him companionship and support and help, but Dean refused it because he felt like he didn’t deserve it.)
Dean was absolutely a child, both technically and practically, but I think the point is Dean didn’t think like a child or feel like a child or act like a child. He wasn’t even treated like a child, and I can see why a Zanna wouldn’t manifest to him because of this. Because as far as these supernatural creatures were concerned, he wasn’t behaving like a child and so it didn’t ping their radar that he was a child and that he needed them . They wouldn’t see him as a child in the same way they saw all the other children as children and since the Zanna manifest only to the child, and can’t be seen by others, for all intents and purposes they are brought to the child through whatever is in a child’s head and with Dean I can see how in his head, since he doesn’t consider himself a child , he’d be off the Zanna’s radar. Which, of course, makes it all the more devastating, but I do think Dean’s own view of himself, and John’s treatment of him, as well as Sam’s view of Dean, would have mattered.
I’ve always perceived Dean’s lack of Zanna similarly to @thejabberwock. Even if a Zanna had wanted to reach out to Dean, he wouldn’t have accepted it. Imaginary friends require an imagination, time spent in daydreams and fantasies, and the innocent belief of a child that a unicorn-man (or manicorn) can exist and can be his/her friend. Dean lacked all of those things. Yes, he was physically and chronologically a child, but emotionally and psychologically he was not. There is no indication on the show that Dean ever had much time for “being a kid” – for play, for imagination, for fantasies about what his life could be in the future. He knew what his life would be, forever, from an early age: he’d be hunting, with Dad, and taking care of Sammy. Further, it doesn’t seem that Dean ever would’ve accepted all the encouraging things Sully (and other Zanna) say to their kids: Dean has never thought he was awesome, that he was able to “be anything”, or that he deserved or needed anything more than what he had. It’s why he doesn’t understand that Sam always needed more: Dean wasn’t content or happy, per se, but he stopped expecting or even hoping for anything else very early in life. Sam, perhaps because he did have Dean there, and John, too, working to preserve some innocence, kept those ideas a lot longer, until at least Season 1 or so, in fact. Really, it’s S10 before Sam explicitly states that hes’ accepted that hunting “is my life”. Dean, meanwhile, was already a partner in the hunt by approximately age 9 or 10, if not younger. Roughly the same age Sam had Sully, Dean was in trouble for playing video games and a shtriga nearly getting Sam: could Dean have used Sully? Sure. Would Dean have believed a word a Zanna said to him? No. Dean was already too “grown up” for that, and too convinced that he wasn’t “good enough”.
Karate Girl 