letters-to-lgbt-kids:

My dear lgbt+ kids, 

Something I’ve been thinking about lately is how I often try to “justify” my attraction to women – even when nobody judges me for it. 

Even silently in my head. 

I found a dance video on youtube the other day and I really loved it. It was a really challenging choreography and they were dancing in high heels. It wasn’t a sexual video in any sense, I was just really impressed by their talent and… I do it right now, don’t I?

I instantly jump to making up some excuse on why I’m “allowed” to enjoy that video, to explain that I’m not gross for liking that video. 

You know, I could just say “I loved that video because it’s so attractive when women dance like that”. I wouldn’t need to apologize for that. Yes, they were talented – and they were hot. So what. The world’s not going to end. 

But I guess a part of me doesn’t trust in that. That part heard my mom tell me I’m disgusting, heard people say “Eww, are you lesbian”, heard people compare my attraction to bestiality, heard guys say “Can I watch”… and it believed them. It believed them that my attraction is something weird, gross, freaky, kinky, wrong. 

The part isn’t as loud anymore as it used to be, I know that it’s lying. I know that they are lying. That little voice in my head isn’t me and it certainly isn’t the voice of reason – it’s just all the homophobic bullsh*t I heard and internalized. 

I believe that most of us hear that voice sometimes. If you catch yourself, listening to it, I want to give you the advice to not get angry at yourself for it. I never found “You need to fight your internalized homophobia!” very helpful – you’re not the villian here. It’s not your fault that you’ve been exposed to hate. 

You don’t “need to fight”, you deserve to heal. And that doesn’t happen over night or with a loud bang. Instead, it might be a soft anyway. 

They made me feel like I’m gross – I will love women anyway. 

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Mom 

I have a lot of asthetic attraction to women, and I thought for a long time that there was something “wrong” for enjoying the beauty of something like a woman dancing! Its still there but not as much any more…