For when you need a word and sad just doesn’t cut it.
My emotions are valid*
*valid does not mean healthy, or good, or to be privileged above common sense and kindness
A distinction for anyone who is young and hasn’t figured this out yet:
You are allowed to have whatever emotions you want. No one can control your emotions. Emotions are healthy responses to things.
You are not allowed to have behaviors that are harmful just because you have certain emotions. Your behaviors are what you can control, and they are far easier to control than your emotions.
You can be jealous about someone or their talents until you turn green, but it is harmful to yourself and to that person if you try to sabotage them because of it. You can be so angry you can literally feel your temperature rise, but this does not give you permission to rage at others.
Your emotions are valid. They are always valid. You are a person of value. However, you behaviors are not always justified just because of those emotions. You may not be able to control you emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors.
This week, emotionally…well sucks…
And, as my incredibly orginal descriptive title suggests, I do NOT handle emotional stress. Not just not well, like not at all.
I’m angry, jealous, frustrated, lonely, unhappy, overworked–and of all of those, the only one I can deal with well is the overworked…cause it’s not an emotion.
The problem is not short, or uncomplicated (duh, of course not)
It goes something like this:
I am a school teacher. (which is an emotionally stressful draining job anyway). I don’t have a contract. this will be the 2nd year without a contract. That means I haven’t recieved any raise in 2 years. Oh, and 2 years ago I bought a condo expecting to be making more money in two years. whoopsie!
I coach the color guard of a marching band for extra money. So Sept-Nov, my Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and a bunch of Sundays are taken up with marching band, and During Jan-April 3 days a week with winter guard.
If you’ve been reading along, I recently found out that one of my co-color guard instructors likes one of the marching band instructors who I had my eye on (bats eyelashes)
Which brought out this evil jealous girl monster, and has had serious emotional reprocussions.
It occured to me that of course I finally found a guy I like (and actually would consider like being proactive in trying to get) at band, because I’m ALWAYS AT BAND. I don’t have any TIME to go out on the weekends because I’m ALWAYS AT BAND. And even if I FOUND someone else, I wouldn’t ever have time to see them because I’m ALWAYS AT BAND!!!! (Insert circular argument here about not having any time)
I HAVE to do band. It’s my second job. I cannot survive without it. Despite what the rest of my state thinks, teachers (for the most part) are NOT rich or overpaid in any way, shape or form. Don’t get me started. I’ll be another 10 years on that one. The other two instructors who teach with me are both part time…one cause she just had (a super gosh darn adorable) baby, and the other is in college. Which leaves dependable ME here full time. All the time. ALL THE TIME. Except for next saturday, when I managed to get off for a couple of hours so I can go to bjj for stripe test.
I’m TIRED of working all of the time. I want to have the opportunity to meet someone, settle down, all that jazz.
But I don’t. and it’s frustrating, and anger-inducing..and I’m jealous of my other guard instructors who are or have opportunities to do so…and I just…can’t deal with that. Don’t know how. Broken. Would like to smash a fist into the wall. Cept then I’d hafta fix the wall myself…tired of being super independant female. It sucks sometimes.
Right now I get two days out of the week that I get to do stuff for myself: Mondays and Thursdays. Mondays I spend some time cleaning my house and then I go to Karate & BJJ. Thursdays I watch NCIS online and then I go to Karate.
I just….don’t know what to do…I’m frustrated cause I need to keep this job…it pays well and I need the money…but it is not helping my personal goals….not at all…
I’m sorry. My word count is now at 546. I try not to whine…Just stuff is stressful right now and I needed somewhere to share it…so here I am…cause I don’t feel so bad cause I know *invisible* you can stop reading if you want…